I'm pretty insecure. Yes, post-Christ He has helped me discover my true identity, but sometimes I still struggle and have moments of vulnerability. I find that when the enemy sees me with my guard down, or any opportunity to dabble salt in my insecurites wound, then he takes the chance. It's tough because I don't recognize it's an attack until I feel like crap and find myself dwelling on the lies as if they were true. I think for me, my insecurities and my tendency to compare myself to others creates a perfect storm of self-pity. Self-pity is the worst because it creates all these emotions in me that are completely void of any real support, the only support i have for feeling down are the lies that I contemplate as truth.
That being said, I got straight attacked last night at Circles. I was having one of those weird days where I just felt off. Partly because I was sick and couldn't think straight and i dont know the other part, i was just off. Wait, you guys need a little more background if this is going to make sense: I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, absolutely no idea. I've had dreams of being everything from a firefighter to a full-time missionary to a biochemist to a doctor. But nothing has really stuck. On top of that, I don't really know what any of my passions are, what my calling is. So right now I'm just waiting on the Lord and I KNOW He has something planned, I just have no idea what, yet. So I rolled into Circles with this on the back of my mind and then the lies began!
"You're not like any of these people. you're different. they're all artsy and creative and you suck at art and couldn't create a thing. they all have deep passions that God gave them but God didn't give you any passions. They all are serving the Lord with their God given passions. What are your passions? Where are your passions? WHERE ARE YOUR PASSIONS?"
And i dwelled in this for the whole night! But it was cool because this morning I woke up and embraced the freshness of sunshine and the reality of a new day. The new sunshine evaporated the cloudiness of the lies and i was able to see clrealy they were lies and I was able to recognize the reality of Gods love. I prayed and told the Lord i trust Him. I know He has a plan for me. Give me clarity God. Peace in waiting. and then I read Corinnes blog with brandons comment and its just super encouraging when the issue being brought about on a blog is exactly the same thing you're going through. Being renewed is a great thing :)
Jeremiah 29:11 ""For I know the plans I have for you," Declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a mans' heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails."
Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
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ReplyDeleteZach Attack ! Can I call you that?
ReplyDeleteI feel you. All my closest girlfriends are in full time ministry and doing crazy unique things for the Lord. Seriously. One started a non profit called Remnant Uganda and another writes for the Tru program at Rock Harbor, all while another leads worship ... the list goes on. Then there ... is ... me. I'm working at a restaurant and I go to school. I'm a communications major because it is broad and I have not a clue as to what I want to specifically do after school. In this season I am doing nothing seemingly profound. YET, internally God is working uniquely in me. He knows how my brain is wired and how I operate. I cannot deny that my girlfriends are doing great things for the Lord in tangible ways right now but I can't accept the lie that God doesn't stir up His people and compel them to do things for His glory no matter the circumstance or "lack of ability" to do so. I will be praying that you can remain focused on the concrete callings of being a disciple for Jesus. Love your neighbor. Follow me and do not look back. Store up for yourselves treasures that moth and rust do not destroy. Be holy, as I am holy. Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly. etc etc...
Without a hint of doubt, Zach, God will surely show you favor in life as you remain obedient in your heart and pursuit of His truth. The more He opens your eyes to, the more your heart will burn for His narrative and the more your mind will be wrapped around the ideas and creativity of our God. He is working uniquely in you and He will give you provision.
yes you can call me that :)
ReplyDeletethank you so much caydin! youre absolutely right
Zach,
ReplyDeleteI am thankful for your ability to wake up and be refreshed by the new day, seeing truth for truth and lies for lies, that my friend is a beautiful thing. I feel you on the issue of what your passions are and where you should be putting them. At the tender age of 34, married for almost 7 years, having grown up a Christ follower since the age of 5, I am still working through understanding what I have to give and where I should be giving it. At the end of the day, for me, it has become an exercise of allowing him to open me up in his time, and not listening to the lies that say until I know myself perfectly I don't have value to him. His love, which I cannot ever earn, is what makes me valualbe. Thanks for the reminder to let go of the lies...
so I just wanted to say thanks for posting the verses that truly helped you and brought you peace. I'm in a similar boat... like You gave me passions, but then how am I supposed to do anything about them if you take away the means...???? but it is still encouraging to hear you on your journey. thanks for being honest. :)
ReplyDeleteI think we all go through a similar feeling. I can relate as well, as I am just about to graduate college and then everyones number one question is what next? Well, honestly I have no clue. I do not really want to do anything with my history degree, I just like history that is why it is my major. Fortunately for me I have just been very good at living in the present and so this is not really a worry for me. Although I feel the closer I get to graduation in May the more this will grow on me. Thanks for sharing, it is nice to see others to have the same problems.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, haha, spot on with my life brotha! I feel like Circles has been a huge blessing for all of us and I'm so fortunate that I have brothers like you to go through similar crud with. Dude, He has a HUGE plan for you. If I could encourage you in one way, in a similar way that i've been encouraged this week, it would be this... Never underestimate the plans that God has in your life or the people He will use in your life to bring Him glory. I have learned to expect the unexpected, and it has been great. When we worry about nothing, and pray about everything...we then can begin to LIVE!! God has been so powerful lately, even the last couple days, in bringing me pure joy and contentment in affirming that I am one of a kind. And Zach, there is no other Zach Hoffman like you!! You are one of a kind brother! We are created different for a reason. So rest in the fact that you possess gifts and abilities uniquely given to you for a reason, for the glory of our Lord!
ReplyDeleteThose are some powerful scriptures to declare over your life!! Satan is defeated and his lies mean NOTHING when we listen to God's word and believe in them! Be "present" in what God is doing in your life at this very moment...and leave the future to Him. It is far greater than we can even imagine anyway!! =)
ReplyDeleteZach, you're posts are my favorite bro:)
ReplyDeleteBe so encouraged that the Lord is SO happy watching you surrender your life to Him and His Kingdom, and is SO desiring to be your source of strength and endurance as this happens.
I seriously was so blessed reading this. It is so evident that the things He is doing in your life are taking place in the deepest crevices of who you are.
Know that what's going on is that He's re-rooting you into His Truth. And what plant likes getting their roots ripped up? Be encouraged by how much you know that the New Soil you're moving into is unlike any other:)
And seriously, find a stoke in that. Although it seems extremely overwhelming - the Lord is working mightily in your life right now. You'll look back years from now and say "man God, that was freakin rad when you were gripping me like that, can you do it again please?!"
Praying for you brother!
Zach,
ReplyDeleteWe are all here for a reason. I feel inaqeduate sometimes too with all these amazing people we are surrounded by. Everyone had great ideas and I had none to say. It made me intimidated that I didn't have anything to add. Then I realized that I have a gift to offer that is different than every other person. Thanks, you made me feel better.
wow, I am so honored and so encouraged.
ReplyDeleteI struggled with feeling like the worst person ever when it came to creativity. I prayed that God would make me creative for seriously like a year plus. I still don't consider myself to be great at originality, people argue otherwise.
BUT, God made you you & made me me & its a beautiful thing. Praying for you. Don't forget to take on the Lord's armor daily, guard yourself, and rebuke those lies.
ahh you guys are so rad! thanks so much for all the encouragement it's such a blessing to have all of you and to just feel God speaking through you all. these comments have brought me so much comfort. Seriously, thank you.
ReplyDeleteah! so amazing! what a great blog! ok zach, honestly any one of us could've written this. i have those SAME feelings! we all do! when i sit and listen to the missions people have gone on and i think about the furthest outta the country i've been is canada. i hear about how God comes to them in crazy ways and i believe the lies that i am ordinary and i will only watch and hear the great things of God working in others, certainly not live them. i've really been dealing with these issues myself. here's the thing tho, He created you for a purpose, not just for fun. you are here for a specific reason that not any other person in this world can fill. the Holy Spirit lives in you and He is with you always, so therefor if you doubt yourself you are doubting God (i learned this in school last week). and there's no reason to doubt God when He is capable of things our minds cannot even think up. pray for contentment in where you are and for the unknown that you are stepping into. its hard sometimes to believe we are one of those people that will do some big great thing. but you already have done the biggest and greatest thing that you will ever do... you CHOSE to believe in the One who can and WILL move in you in incredible ways that you don't even know... i'm excited to see how God will move in you. be proud you have a thirst for more :)
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. Thanks for sharing those feelings of self-consciousness. I think it's just awesome how God can show us what he wants for us when we simply trust him, even though we have a billion thoughts racing through our mind. As always, your enthusiasm jumps out at me from the computer screen!
ReplyDeleteWord bro! It's like the enemy is fishing. He casts the bate, we see the bate. We find it pleasing. We bite. We get a hook in our lip. We get pissed. End of analogy. Thanks for your transparency. I can always count on your bog for utter truth. Much love brother. Ps I really miss NYC.... Bad!
ReplyDeleteYeah, some of us are artsy, and some of us are crazy-passionate about what we do, but most of us are also scared to death most of the time. I hear lies everyday that tell me that I'm not creative enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not good enough and on and on and on. Everyday I have to work really hard to discern the voice of God in the midst of all that crap, the voice that's telling me that I am just where he wants me, and that he is empowering me to do exactly what he called me to do, and that I am made just as he wants me to be. Everyday is an adventure. We're on it together, my friend.
ReplyDelete