Tuesday, April 19, 2011

the red wire!!!??? or the blue one!!!???

So i've been wrestling with this big decision coming up. Vanguard or football. Vanguard means bible classes, solid solid fellowship, and full time ministry. Football means football, and trying to lead people to Jesus on my team. I have been hyper analyzing and super stressing and praying praying praying and wrestling with this in my head for the last 3 weeks, which is definitely a solid reason why I haven't blogged. idk how those are connected, but the stress and lack of decision made me feel like i had nothing to blog about even though i should have definitely blogged about this long ago. Anyways, i have FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY come to peace!!!! and it's definitely the result of my prayers and the wise counsel of certain peeps i sought out.

I felt extremely guilty about leaving the football team. i felt like i would be condemning them by leaving them and pursuing Vanguard, and it was killing me because even though at one point i had decided i was staying and playing football, i didn't have peace, i still had this killer urge not to just give up on Vanguard. 

I want to go to Vanguard. And so I was struggling in my head with, "Since this is what i want, it must not be God's will, and I need to die to myself." But i was confused because at the bottom of my heart i want to go to Vanguard to glorify God in the fact that I think He is calling me to full time ministry. But then there was fear with being in ministry and having student loans and blahblahblah....

so i struggled and wrestled and stressed and prayed over these two decisions, literally, literally, like my life was on the line. I felt like I was snipping one of two wires which was tied to a spiritual nuke that could literally just obliterate God's plan for my life. RED OR BLUE, RED OR BLUE!!!!????

and then i realized it's not like that.... haha. i started to dwell in the fact that perhaps the Lord has given me two great options and is letting me choose, and that i shouldn't feel guilty about doing what my heart pleases because perhaps the Lord has conformed my will with His will in this one. i haven't exactly made up my mind in this but i'm leaning towards Vanguard. God has opened this door and i want to go through it, for Him. i think the enemy was really guilt tripping me about leaving the team, as if salvation for others was up to me.... I realized that i was over estimating my importance in the Kingdom, and that God is gunna do what God is gunna do whether I'm there or not. and besides, I still have about a month left to pour into some guys! but what's cool is that the Lord could say no to Vanguard at the last second and I would be totally cool with that. bummed out a little, but i would still have peace knowing that God is God and as long as i keep serving Him everything is going to work out. tomorrow i have a meeting with the vanguard counselor where we will go over financial info and so my decision should be made by the end of the week. it feels so good to have the pressure off of me, like the rest of my Spiritual journey with God isn't riding on this one single decision :) God is good.

PS i memorized pslam 23 recently. it's been really awesome reciting it all the time. i HIGHLY suggest doing it for anone who needs a spiritual boost. I SURE DID :)