Wednesday, January 26, 2011

not what i had planned.

i remember writing on my circles application that i was going to be completely honest with anything i was going through, and that the thing i could contribute to circles was an open and real heart. well, God is definitely testing me to see if i will keep my word, so, here it goes:

I certainly did not expect to start off circles with getting run over by multiple semi-trucks driven by my old demons: Alcohol, weed, and sex. My fingers tremble as i write this and if i was talking my voice would be shaking because looking at those three words magnifies my shame. This all happened on Saturday night after a stressful situation with my parents at my cousins wedding. I fell to the temptation of "just one beer" and fell into a pit of sin from there.

I'm in so much pain right now you guys :/. The shame grinds in me like a blender every waking moment. I never imagined i would ever fall again after completely dedicating my life to the Lord almost 2 1/2 years ago. But i did. I've never understood God's mercy, and grace, and love, like i do right now. After all, He's literally the ONLY thing i have to hang on to. The only reason I can get through my day is because when i cry out to them i know He is listening and He cares.

Through this humbled state, to put some imagery to it i feel like im skinned and on my knees. But through this humbled state the Lord has shed a lot of light on why i was so weak and fell to this. A piece of me had been pretending. I cared more about what others thought about me, especially "more mature" Christians, than i did about what God thought. I was seeking approval from others and trying to please their expectations that only existed in my head. This created in me an "im all good" front which i never let down. In addition, i recognize that i was living outside of God's grace. I was trying to earn my joy through service and deeds rather than just resting in Christ's grace and responding out of a thankful heart. I believed in the lie that i could earn God's approval with abstinance from lust, evangelism, and reading my bible. Satan had derailed me a tiny bit and the further along i went the further away from the enitre point of our faith i was gettting: GRACE!!!! it's all about grace. i was trying to deserve the undeservable gift. and all this was flying right under my radar the entire time. this self-righteous effort caused me to grow weary, and at my weakest the perfect storm of tempation knocked me out of the boat and into the sea.

Now, im lying in the boat trying to catch my breath, resting in God's grace, but still in a lot of pain from the memories. I know that good is going to come from this, somehow. But right now the refining is a painful process. I feel like from now on my relationship with Christ is going to be more real than ever, and never again will i try to earn grace, or fall for those lies. But instead do everything out of thankfullness for his mercy and love and grace. No more caring about what everyone around me thinks, or how "mature" i think i am. Just grace. Just me, and God, and his love, flowing through me and being expressed to others PERIOD

i hope some of you can learn from my mistakes and if anyone is going through any of the things i was struggling with, i hope my example helps. so there it is. I can't get more honest than that. all there is to do now is stay on my knees, forever, and keep holding onto Gods hand as He gives me the strength to put one foot after the other. I can only hope that this will make my faith stronger than ever. i have a feeling it will. i just wish it didn't have to happen this way. it feels good to get it out into the open and off my chest, so that i can roll into my first meeting of circles with nothing to hide, only room to grow.

11 comments:

  1. thank you. you are not alone, we all have a past riddled with sin. some manifest in a more public way than others. mine manifested out in the open too when the $#!% hit the fan in the heat of my sin, my mom (who had just gotten out of rehab) said, "dannah, i have received more grace than i can imagine. when you know what it is like to need grace, you know how to give it." among the million other things God is teaching you in this season, it is obvious He is teaching you to value His grace and live openhandedly giving grace to others! press on!

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  2. thanks man. i really appreciate it. Grace is a beautiful thing

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  3. hey zach. we haven't met yet, but i'm looking forward to it! i really want to thank you for being so honest. it is really encouraging. i have a similar past with drugs and drinking. i feel like satan loves to try and bring us back to those things in our weakest moments, but i am so proud of you for being so honest. for a long time, i struggled with drinking. i would go out and do that and then try and hide it from my Christian friends. it wasn't even about God anymore, it turned into this terrible game of wanting approval from my friends who were walking with the Lord. However, the thing is we will never be fulfilled with the approval of humans. It makes me so joyful that you realize its between you and God. His love, His grace, His compassion, His mercy. It is such a beautiful thing and there is nothing like the freedom that Christ offers us.

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  4. Zach I truly admire your heart. Your honest and gentle spirit will only bring good to our group. The entire time I was reading this I couldn't help but think of 2 Corinthians 12:9, where the Lord says to Paul: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." He will be glorified through this situation bro. No doubt about it. He already has. Just through our original talk a few nights ago on our way to RH service. Your truth filled testimony served as a tool for Christ to strip me of all my "spiritual dilemmas." He used your story to speak to my heart as well as the hearts of all the dudes in our bible study. And that is what is most important to Christ, Hearts Changed! Because when hearts change, everything else follows. I love you zach, as a best friend but mostly as a brother in Christ. I'm very proud of you genuine example of Christ Centered living in my life. Much love my dude.

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  5. Dude I relate to this post on so many levels and admire your humility and honesty. I have such a similar past, as we've talked about, and still have those struggles. I find myself doing the very same thing in terms of doing "things" that will make others think greater of me. I do the same thing with God, also, when I do all these "things" to win grace or prove myself as a good Christian. I feel like when we are at our lowest points, God can really show and reveal to us the real meaning of His grace and overwhelming Love. Lately I have been realizing, more than ever, how much of a faker I am sometimes at just going with the trend or flow of things because someone else is being looked at in a glorified way by others. You're gonna get through this dude and this will definitely be used for His glory because this spoke to me so deeply bro. Can't wait to talk more in person, my brother. Thanks again for this Zach. Love you dude!

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  6. Thanks so much man for your open honesty. It is greatly appreciated and I am glad you set a great example for how trusting CIRCLES is going to be. Just remember when you hit moments of weakness, we will all be here for ya. Although not all of us have met.. but that will soon change!

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  7. Guilt and shame are unwelcome company except for the fact that they drive us back into the arms of a God who loves us in spite of what we do to ourselves, in spite of what we do to him.

    How awesome is it that today you are just as loved, cherished, accepted and forgiven as the day you first gave your life to Jesus?

    Repentance is such a beautiful thing.

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  8. Zach. Your honesty and realness is going to allow God to use greatly. Thank you so much for being an open book...and know that your testimony and stories are an amazing example of God's grace to his children.

    I wanted to share this song with you. When I worship God is when I feel his presence so much. This song called Sweep Me Away speaks straight to my heart. When it comes down to it...nothing else matters but me and God. His mercy, his grace, his love, it covers us in the midst of anything we go through in this life. Hope it's an encouragement.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nOJtB_DNow

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  9. Hey Zach. Thanks for sharing your struggles even the guilt you feel. But I think the fact you felt convicted for slipping shows you are in the right place. I have had my fair share of slip ups since accepting Christ but I'm glad to see you recognized it and are willing to repent and try again. As long as we try despite our hangups with certain things, God will still hold on. I also relate to you in the memories and the past. I struggle, as you have read, with these things as well. I love also how on fire you are about who God is. Awesome. Loved the rawness of the entry. :)

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  10. Thank you. The body of Christ would be a different thing if we were all this raw and honest. May you truly hear the gentle voice of our Savior when he picks you up from the dust instead of throwing a stone ...

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  11. Isaiah 43... I'd write it out for you but it's so much sweeter when you look it up in His word. I am learning the truth of forgiveness as you are learning the truth of grace.

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