i remember writing on my circles application that i was going to be completely honest with anything i was going through, and that the thing i could contribute to circles was an open and real heart. well, God is definitely testing me to see if i will keep my word, so, here it goes:
I certainly did not expect to start off circles with getting run over by multiple semi-trucks driven by my old demons: Alcohol, weed, and sex. My fingers tremble as i write this and if i was talking my voice would be shaking because looking at those three words magnifies my shame. This all happened on Saturday night after a stressful situation with my parents at my cousins wedding. I fell to the temptation of "just one beer" and fell into a pit of sin from there.
I'm in so much pain right now you guys :/. The shame grinds in me like a blender every waking moment. I never imagined i would ever fall again after completely dedicating my life to the Lord almost 2 1/2 years ago. But i did. I've never understood God's mercy, and grace, and love, like i do right now. After all, He's literally the ONLY thing i have to hang on to. The only reason I can get through my day is because when i cry out to them i know He is listening and He cares.
Through this humbled state, to put some imagery to it i feel like im skinned and on my knees. But through this humbled state the Lord has shed a lot of light on why i was so weak and fell to this. A piece of me had been pretending. I cared more about what others thought about me, especially "more mature" Christians, than i did about what God thought. I was seeking approval from others and trying to please their expectations that only existed in my head. This created in me an "im all good" front which i never let down. In addition, i recognize that i was living outside of God's grace. I was trying to earn my joy through service and deeds rather than just resting in Christ's grace and responding out of a thankful heart. I believed in the lie that i could earn God's approval with abstinance from lust, evangelism, and reading my bible. Satan had derailed me a tiny bit and the further along i went the further away from the enitre point of our faith i was gettting: GRACE!!!! it's all about grace. i was trying to deserve the undeservable gift. and all this was flying right under my radar the entire time. this self-righteous effort caused me to grow weary, and at my weakest the perfect storm of tempation knocked me out of the boat and into the sea.
Now, im lying in the boat trying to catch my breath, resting in God's grace, but still in a lot of pain from the memories. I know that good is going to come from this, somehow. But right now the refining is a painful process. I feel like from now on my relationship with Christ is going to be more real than ever, and never again will i try to earn grace, or fall for those lies. But instead do everything out of thankfullness for his mercy and love and grace. No more caring about what everyone around me thinks, or how "mature" i think i am. Just grace. Just me, and God, and his love, flowing through me and being expressed to others PERIOD
i hope some of you can learn from my mistakes and if anyone is going through any of the things i was struggling with, i hope my example helps. so there it is. I can't get more honest than that. all there is to do now is stay on my knees, forever, and keep holding onto Gods hand as He gives me the strength to put one foot after the other. I can only hope that this will make my faith stronger than ever. i have a feeling it will. i just wish it didn't have to happen this way. it feels good to get it out into the open and off my chest, so that i can roll into my first meeting of circles with nothing to hide, only room to grow.