Tuesday, April 19, 2011

the red wire!!!??? or the blue one!!!???

So i've been wrestling with this big decision coming up. Vanguard or football. Vanguard means bible classes, solid solid fellowship, and full time ministry. Football means football, and trying to lead people to Jesus on my team. I have been hyper analyzing and super stressing and praying praying praying and wrestling with this in my head for the last 3 weeks, which is definitely a solid reason why I haven't blogged. idk how those are connected, but the stress and lack of decision made me feel like i had nothing to blog about even though i should have definitely blogged about this long ago. Anyways, i have FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY come to peace!!!! and it's definitely the result of my prayers and the wise counsel of certain peeps i sought out.

I felt extremely guilty about leaving the football team. i felt like i would be condemning them by leaving them and pursuing Vanguard, and it was killing me because even though at one point i had decided i was staying and playing football, i didn't have peace, i still had this killer urge not to just give up on Vanguard. 

I want to go to Vanguard. And so I was struggling in my head with, "Since this is what i want, it must not be God's will, and I need to die to myself." But i was confused because at the bottom of my heart i want to go to Vanguard to glorify God in the fact that I think He is calling me to full time ministry. But then there was fear with being in ministry and having student loans and blahblahblah....

so i struggled and wrestled and stressed and prayed over these two decisions, literally, literally, like my life was on the line. I felt like I was snipping one of two wires which was tied to a spiritual nuke that could literally just obliterate God's plan for my life. RED OR BLUE, RED OR BLUE!!!!????

and then i realized it's not like that.... haha. i started to dwell in the fact that perhaps the Lord has given me two great options and is letting me choose, and that i shouldn't feel guilty about doing what my heart pleases because perhaps the Lord has conformed my will with His will in this one. i haven't exactly made up my mind in this but i'm leaning towards Vanguard. God has opened this door and i want to go through it, for Him. i think the enemy was really guilt tripping me about leaving the team, as if salvation for others was up to me.... I realized that i was over estimating my importance in the Kingdom, and that God is gunna do what God is gunna do whether I'm there or not. and besides, I still have about a month left to pour into some guys! but what's cool is that the Lord could say no to Vanguard at the last second and I would be totally cool with that. bummed out a little, but i would still have peace knowing that God is God and as long as i keep serving Him everything is going to work out. tomorrow i have a meeting with the vanguard counselor where we will go over financial info and so my decision should be made by the end of the week. it feels so good to have the pressure off of me, like the rest of my Spiritual journey with God isn't riding on this one single decision :) God is good.

PS i memorized pslam 23 recently. it's been really awesome reciting it all the time. i HIGHLY suggest doing it for anone who needs a spiritual boost. I SURE DID :)


  1. Wow Zach, it sounds like God has been gifting you with understanding even in indecision. Can I add my two cents?? I made the private Christian school leap and even though I'll leave with 20,000 in loans, it has been so worth it. It's such an invaluable time to study the Word etc in a concentrated environment with like minded people. That's also why I chose to go to Bethel- to figure out more of my identity in Christ, who has he uniquely made me to be in order to most advance the Kingdom?
    I will be praying for you as you meet with the counselor etc and that God will gift you with peace for the decision. Hopefully I'll see you at 3rd Wednesday tonight!

  2. yeah Amanda that "concentrated environment with like minded people" is a bigg influence for my desire to go there. thanks for your input! and i wishhhh i could go to third wednesday but i work :/

  3. so awesome, zach! I feel ya in this through and through and what really struck me right now was your thought on how could what I desire possibly also be what God has for me??? because I pretty much thought that same thing ("then I must die to self") this week. I am praying specifically that my desires are in line with His purposes and will for me. and I will pray the same for you! excited for you and to hear your next part on the journey. : )

  4. Oh wow, I LOVE this and that we basically wrote the same blog this week!!!!!!! God is so good like that :) I was reminded of this quote recently, and I think you will enjoy it :)

    "If we're cherishing the assumption that we can achieve perfect certainty before undertaking major steps, we need to revise that belief. The Christian life is not a fantasy experience where our life moves are constantly revealed in neon lights or through unswerving mystical impressions, leaving us with no need to think or wrestle things through. To the contrary, Scripture portrays the Christian experience as an adventure of faith, where we never know what is around the bend--we inch ahead one step at a time. We always have just enough light to take the next step, yet we need to take that step in order to see clearly enough to take the step beyond."

    Praying for your decision friend!!!! :)

  5. That's great that you've found peace in all this. Who says God won't lead you into ministry by football rather than Vangaurd? God can dream such bigger dreams for our own lives than we could ever image for ourselves.

    I think "dying to ourselves" is more like dying to our sinful nature. If you have a righteous desire, then there's nothing to die for, that's just God moving your heart for your purposes. But if you're pursuing your goals for selfish gains whether it be pride, status, respect, money, etc... then that is something we need to die to and set aside...

    Praying for you =)

  6. Praying for you brother.
    continue to seek discernment on feelings of conviction/guilt. I've defintitely experienced "Billy, you better go hang out with them, they need to know God and you better go be a light to them." to lure me into situations I shouldn't have been in.

  7. Zach, I'm glad you're struggling with this! Better now than later!

  8. O boy, I don't think you should say this: "I was over estimating my importance in the Kingdom" <--- 100% disagree. Zach, the Lord uses you every day & the world is a different place simply because you exist. You love and you lift the people up around you when they cannot stand and be happy/excited/joyful/strong enough themselves.

    "like the rest of my Spiritual journey with God isn't riding on this one single decision" <-- but this made me laugh, because it is 100% true. I struggle with decisions only to realize the big picture is MUCH bigger.

    I like Blair's quote :)
    & I still think you should go to Azusa. You get both worlds there. I'm just saying, I am a proud APU grad.

  9. while this is totally a tough tough decision, I am glad to see where your heart is. Sometimes just as you say we can glorify God in either decision. This is what it totally seems like. So definitely be praying for you. Looking forward to hearing more about Vanguard and what not.

  10. Very hard decision and I am so glad that you are seeking the Lord in the choice. Whatever choice you make (made) will lead you on a path that will be amazing. I am so excited to see what you choose and how it changes your life!

  11. I read this earlier this week and I thought I commented haha. Anyway, even though we talked about it today... I just wanted to again affirm your decision! I think that it is going to be such an awesome experience for you Zach. You are going to learn so much and be challenged in a lot of ways, but it is going to lead you closer to knowing who God is and falling more in love with Him and that is all that matters. I am praying that you will find an amazing community of people there that will build you up and strengthen you to go out and spread the gospel and be bold for Christ. You have such a heart for the Lord, it is so contagious and so encouraging. You are a natural leader and I cannot wait to see how God uses that to glorify Him and bring others closer to Him. Hopefully we are classmates too!

  12. So...? Since I am late in reading this, it sounds like your decision will have already been reached. Looking ofrward to watching God lead, guide, and glorify himself through all of this.

  13. zach my dear! it brought me so much joy to read this after hearing you talk about vanguard because i can absolutely SEE the joy and lightness in your heart about the decision. what an amazing thing. reading this blog entry has soothed my mind and heart a ton in light of the fact that i currently am waiting to hear back from chapman and decide between there and westmont. i'm going through a lot of this sort of processing and i just feel a deep understanding and connection with your post. thank you so much for your loving, passionate heart :)

  14. I'm reading this a bit late but it was great hearing you talk on Saturday about the fact that you have decided to go to Vanguard. And you are right...God will use you in either scenario...but I am glad to see you pursuing your heart and that it is lining up with God's glory. So great!

  15. Sorry Zach I am so late on commenting on your blogs.
    I am so excited for you in knowing now that you have made the decision for Vanguard. I totally agree with you that God was giving you the option to choose and He would use in either situation. Your passion to follow Christ and be used by Him is awesome :) God will use this passion as you make yourself an open vessel. I believe God has great plans for you and your heart for Him. I'm excited for you Zach in this new journey. I will be praying for you.